


Not Riding That Pony

by Ywain Penbrydd (penbrydd)



Series: A Comedy of Assholes (Rhapsody, etc.) [25]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Dildos, F/M, Horse Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:18:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penbrydd/pseuds/Ywain%20Penbrydd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a certain toy that Isabela owns that Cormac will not let near him. We've had a pending request for more on that subject for the last like... three months? *coughs* So, here's that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Riding That Pony

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedEris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedEris/gifts).



Cormac leaned back against the pillows, panting raggedly, in the wake of his second orgasm of the night. Izzy would go for three. She always went for three. Didn't always get them, but went for them. She tugged at the chain between his nipples with one finger, and he writhed in some combination of pleasure and pain, teeth clacking shut as his hands clenched in the sheets.

"Got something special for you, tonight," Isabela purred, leaning down close to Cormac's ear.

Cormac groaned. "Andraste's ass, Izzy, you're going to kill me."

"But, what a way to go, Mage-Shoulders." She grinned and stretched to the side, easing something out from under the mattress. "I know you like big and hard and brutal, so when I spotted the latest design from Orlais, I knew I had to get one."

"Brutally Orlesian? That doesn't sound like fun at all." He laughed and ran a hand up her thigh, squeezing a little just to enjoy the little bit of give in her thick, warm flesh.

"It looked like just the sort of thing that would get you screaming." Her smile was anything but reassuring, which Cormac found delightfully intriguing.

"In or on?" he asked, twisting to try to see what she was still holding below the line of the bed.

"Oh, definitely in. It's a big one this time, though. I don't know if you can take it -- any of it, never mind all of it," Isabela teased, concealing the shape behind her arm as she raised it up and tucked it behind her back, dragging the cool stone down the inside of Cormac's thigh.

Cormac shuddered under her, at the thought. "Come on. Hurt me, Izzy. I don't need to be able to walk, tomorrow. Anton knows where I am, so nobody's going to worry."

"Mmm, Anton. Sometimes I regret not making off with him, all those years ago. A couple of years hardened him right up. Good looking man, your brother," Izzy teased, and Cormac's entire body loosened, except his jaw.

"Can we not talk about how hot my little brother is, while I'm naked and you're touching me like that? Making me think of Anton is not going to get you a third round," Cormac gritted out, desperately trying to think of anything except how very quickly the blood seemed to be rushing back to his brain. He attempted to appreciate Isabela's delightfully wind-worn skin, instead.

"I think in a few minutes, I'll be able to say absolutely anything to you, and all you'll do is scream for more." Isabela jerked the chain again, and this time, Cormac sat up, awkwardly, bending at the waist instead of the hips, hands clutching at Isabela's sides.

"You are _such_ a tease," he growled, and she laughed.

"Beg for it," she said, poking him in the chest with one finger.

"Make me," he scoffed, biting the inner curve of her breast.

She slapped him, playfully, across the cheek. "Bloody Fereldan barbarians, all of you Hawkes."

"You've got a taste for savage dog-lords, haven't you?" Cormac teased. "We just fit so well into your ruthless, piratical sensibilities."

"I don't know about my sensibilities, but you definitely fit into my--" Isabela cut off with a shriek, as Cormac surged forward, knocking her onto her back and leaning over her. She whipped her hand out from behind her back, just in time, and the stone of the enormous dildo gleamed against the rumpled sheets, in the dim light of the room.

Cormac paid it no mind for a few long moments, as he nipped and sucked at Isabela's lips, before working his way over her chin and down her neck. Finally, she thumped him upside the head with the thing, and he raised his head to look. It didn't make sense, at first. She clearly hadn't been joking about it possibly being too much for him -- the thing was as big around as his forearm, he thought, sitting up to get a better look. The shape was all wrong, too, the way it flared out near the end.

And then he realised what he was looking at. "No."

"No, what?" Isabela just looked confused. "Because the last thing I heard out of you was 'yes, more'."

"That is part of a horse. I lived on a farm, and I am familiar with that part of the horse, and horse parts do not go anywhere near my ass." Cormac was pretty sure Isabela was just screwing with him, that this would all end in some joke about donkeys. He'd gotten alarmingly drunk a few weeks before and might have said a few things about Anders to Isabela -- things she apparently already knew, from what he could recall. Not that he could blame either one of them for that. But, he distinctly remembered the phrase 'hung like a jackass' having been in there somewhere.

"It's not like it's a real horse," Isabela argued. "It's completely fake!" She paused. "Are you telling me real horses actually look like this? I thought they were just calling it the Orlesian Stallion because it was so big..."

"No, that's... that's really... that's definitely a horse." Cormac squinted at Isabela. "City girl?" he asked, finally.

"From docks to boats. Not much horse in there." She shrugged, but her eyes gleamed. "Oh, but a horse, Cormac! That makes it even better!"

"No! No horse parts anywhere near my ass. No animal parts, real or fake, belong in my ass!" He thought about that for a moment. "Except leather, I suppose. I've had an awful lot of leather in my ass. And sheepskin." His hands fluttered and he shook his head. "Principally, though, parts of animals, real or fake, do not go in my ass. That's... no. I swing a lot of ways, but that is not one of them."

"Well, what if you didn't know it was a horse? I didn't know it was a horse! It looked big and interesting!" Isabela wouldn't give up that easily. She'd spent an inordinate amount of coin she could just as easily have spent on decent rum on the thing.

"If I didn't know it was a horse, it still wouldn't fit!" Cormac gestured at the thing. "That is not the kind of shape you can just ease in and hope for the best!"

"Well, then, how do horses do it?"

"Horses are to an entirely different scale! Horses are to an entirely different scale to Anders. Horses are to an entirely different scale to _Qunari_!" Cormac shook his head and groaned. "Andraste's glorious tits aflame, there are easier ways of getting me to go home than bringing up Anton and then offering to bugger me with horse bits."

"You're the one that brought up Anton," Isabela pointed out.

"Only in the context that the family wouldn't be wondering where I was! You're the one as kept that going!" Cormac sat up, disgruntled. "Where are my trousers? I need six more drinks before I try to sleep."

"Tch, well, you're no fun," Isabela huffed, shoving him off the bed with one foot.

"I am profoundly entertaining and you love it," Cormac protested, tugging his trousers on and feeling around under the bed for his shirt.

"Getting boring in your old age. It's just a great big dick, Cormac. Much like you." She leaned over the edge of the bed and waggled the dildo in Cormac's face.

"I may be a great big dick, but I'm not a great big _horse_ dick." Cormac pulled on his boots and got to his feet, batting the stone shaft out of his face. "Next time, no horse dicks," he said, shaking his head, before he leaned over and laid a smouldering kiss on Isabela's lips. "But, I really do have to go get very drunk now."

It wasn't until he was out the door, bottle in his hand, that he realised he was still wearing that stupid chain, and his nipples twinged against the metal clamps. Maybe he'd drop in on Anders instead of going home. Perhaps his get up and go hadn't got up and went, for the night. He was sure Anders would be just as horrified by the advent of horse in this story.


End file.
